I’m on a personal hiatus.
This could take awhile.
I don’t have anything I feel like writing about and I haven’t been dabbling in photography. This summer will probably go down as a “lost period in time”
A lot of people know that I have a “thing” for dragonflies, but they don’t really know why. Why the dragonfly tattoo? Why is it purple? What’s up with the tribal? Why all the dragonfly “stuff”
In 1998, my cousins Heather and Holly Mattke passed away from Cystic Fibrosis.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cystic_fibrosis
Holly on June 24 and Heather on August 13. It was truly the end of a long lifetime battle with disease. I hate Cystic Fibrosis. The disease makes mockery of those who have it.. Although I can say, the girls had CF, but it didn’t have them.
However, during the times of great illness and the times when they were on the brink of death, only to come back, it never got easy watching them suffer. Anyone who has watched a loved one fade away like this understands what an emotional toll this takes on the people who love them. I hate Cystic Fibrosis. Hate it.
In 1998 I was also very active with Cystic Fibrosis Awareness. I had a website that started out being for Heather and Holly and also for educational purposes. I was chairmen of the local Great Strides Walk to benefit the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation. I did this up until 2003. It was about that time I decided that I was “tired of death” Quite honestly, 2003 was a bad year. I’ve only very recently come back to the cause with a whole new attitude.
In 1998, I was also very active on a list-serv called Cystic-L.
It was on Cystic-L that I eventually became very close friends with a woman named Alicia Lynch. It was frighteningly scary how a woman that I had never met could have so much in common with me and how we agreed that it felt like we had known each other our entire lives. We talked about anything and everything. Hopes, fears, men, relationships, life. We met in person and made plans and actually got to do a lot of things together. Like driving to Texas to get a tattoo because they were illegal at that time where she was living.
Ali had a lot of dreams and goals for herself. She wasted no time throwing herself into most challenges and in her “Ali style” was prepared to tell you how she felt if you got in her way. She had a bright and bubbly personality and drew people to her everywhere she went. Ali also had a mischievous side that surprised a lot of people.
Ali’s dream was to become a police officer, but because of insurance reasons and issues relating to her health, she was unable to be hired as a police officer. So instead, Ali became a reserve officer for the Creek County Sheriff’s Department ( Oklahoma ) and even worked full time in the Jail and quite often in their Transportation Division.
Ali’s mother, Dorothy, relayed to friends at Ali’s funeral that she was amazed at how well Ali was able to handle herself when she was barely 100 pounds, carrying a gun and transporting prisoners. Ali also worked part time as a dispatcher for the Creek County Sheriff’s Department. When Ali wasn’t doing one thing, she was doing another. Ali loved this life and appreciated her opportunity to be an officer.
Ali began to get tired. She admitted herself to hospice and didn’t tell anyone. When she called me to talk about her funeral, she told me that she was in the hospital again, with an emphasis on AGAIN. Ali told me to find my copy of The Dragonfly Story and that she wanted me to read it at her funeral and to make sure that I had various odds and ends worked out with her mom. When I asked her why she was talking about her funeral so in depth this time, she told me that she had to go and that she would see me later. I never talked to her again.
Her family had no idea what was going on until Ali was beyond the point of return. She passed away on May 19, 2003 at the age of 29. If you know anything at all about Cystic Fibrosis, you know that living to be 29 years of age is phenomenal. Ali was an old lady. She was once described as a beautiful 29 year old woman in an 89 year old woman’s body.
When Ali died, she was given a Police Officer’s Funeral. With the exception of some details. It was amazing. Even more amazing was the small “ceremony” that was held after the service where a group of people let go of balloons. All of the balloons floated away together with the exception of one balloon that floated off on its own in the other direction…. It was purple. Ali’s favorite color.. Think what you will, but I know it was her.
Ali continues to be a source of strength in my own life. Even still, when I face a challenge I remind myself of the way that Ali grabbed the bull by the horns and jumped into situations without a second thought, or so it appeared. If I convince myself that I can’t do something, I am quickly reminded of the time that Ali told me herself “If I can do it, you can do it,” and “Your life is too short to live in fear,”
Now everyone understands my “thing” with dragonflies. I consider them to be very significant. There have been times when I have seen dragonflies in places where you should not be seeing them. I consider things like that to be signs from my dear friend. A hello, keep your chin up etc.
On one occasion, I was standing in my kitchen having a seriously bad day not too long after Dominic was born and had finally came home from the hospital. I looked up to see a small dragonfly stuck to the screen of the window over our kitchen sink. It stayed there for a long time and then when I looked again, it was gone.
I love her and I miss her. I think of her often and I never spare a chance to talk about her. It is my wish that I can live my life to be half the person she was while appreciating the blessings that are given to me. Ali lived a life to the fullest while at times, I am guilty of living at a fraction. I do my best and sometimes I do it in her honor.. If I can do it, you can do it.
I wish you all could have met her.
I’m currently unblogworthy. I’m in a mood that is seriously too serious to post anything of value to other readers. I’ll be back when I’m not so
a. bitchy
b. emo
c. serious
d. etc.
Mother’s Day is the suck when you got mama drama. Just sayin’
http://www.nataliedee.com
I got flipped off by a man whom I am guessing to be around 70 years old.
First off, I do not mess with people in traffic. My experience in my little area of law enforcement has taught me that jacking with people you do not know ( and even a few that you do ) is NOT a good idea. Especially on the road. This is a good way to either get yourself hurt and/or arrested. It’s just a bad idea. So don’t do it.
It’s common sense really.
I’m driving along State Road 4 in Indiana. This particular stretch of highway goes between the Lakeville area and North Liberty. I live in North Liberty. I was coming home from South Bend. It’s a two lane road that boasts a few hills, dips, a ton of deer, turkeys and other wildlife. It’s a nice stretch of road. The entrance to Potato Creek State Park is on this road.
Apparently it was Sunday driving for this gentleman ( I can be polite ) because when I came up behind him I slowed down to 35 miles an hour. It’s a 55 zone. This is not a big deal. As soon as I am able, I will pass. I have cars coming towards me and I was in a no pass zone.
I’m not one of those people who deliberately breaks traffic laws. I speed. I confess, I have been known to drive like a bat out of hell at times. I do however, respect traffic laws. I yield, I some to a complete stop at stop signs, yellow lights etc etc. So I am not going to pass in a “no passing zone” I was patiently awaiting the opportunity to pass as soon as the oncoming traffic cleared and I was in a passing zone.
Along the lines of respecting traffic law, I don’t follow too close to other cars. It’s not even that I avoid the personal space of other drivers or that it has anything to do with safety. I just like my car. I drive a 2008 Jeep Wrangler X. I cried when I finally had a mishap and I cracked one of the lights on the side panel. I don’t want to damage it.
I am guessing that this gentleman either can’t see very well or that he really thought that my distance between him and I was closer than he thought. I wasn’t following too close. As a matter of fact at that point, we were going down a hill and I wasn’t even on the gas, I was breaking.
Why was I breaking? Two reasons. I was on a hill AND this guy started “break checking” me. This is where the driver in front of you is convinced that you are on their tail and they want you to back off or they think you’re too close and they want you to back off. Or they’re just being a jerk .
I took notice to this. My thought was “Man, if I go any slower I might as well stop,” Then I thought, well maybe he’s just slowing down. I wasn’t sure. While I didn’t have a yard stick to measure the distance between our two vehicles, you can rest assured that I was nowhere near the back end of that car.
After a minute or two, I was clear to pass. So I did.
As I am speeding up to about 40 miles per hour to pass the car, out of the corner of my eye, I catch a bon, liver spotted hand with an extended middle finger pop up in the window. My reaction was a mix of delight and disgust. I slowed down in the other lane, next to his car, just to look at him for a second. Then I noticed in the passenger seat that he had with him a very embarrassed wife who was slumping in the seat.
I laughed out loud. I seriously laughed out loud. I sped up to 45 miles per hour and went on my way. I thought to myself, did that just happen? I watched in my mirror as the car grew smaller and smaller and eventually disappeared.
I am not angry about this situation at all. I thought it was pretty funny. In 32 years, I have yet to experience the bird from another driver,let alone from the elderly. It tickles me mostly. It reminded me of the Chapelle Show where Dave did sketches called “When Keeping it Real Goes Wrong”
That old man took his “real-o-meter” into the red.
Here’s a snapshot of what State Road 4 looks like.
I’ve been hearing about a lot of drama going around on Face Book the past few weeks. I finally got sucked into some. Actually, it wasn’t even my drama, it was someone else’s drama and I got sucked into it. How is this possible? I’m not even sure other than when they came to me about it, I didn’t want to take their ball and play catch.
In simpler terms, I didn’t want to hear about it, I didn’t want to talk about it and I asked really nicely ( or so I thought ) to be left out of it. This woman, whom I have never even met, went on and on and on and on and on. I started getting mad, my answers shorter and then finally I was just rude about it. I told her, I do not care and I am not apologizing for someone else’s bad behavior. I’m not going to apologize for not apologizing either.
I know her through a friend. That’s the extent. I’ve heard a lot of stories about her too, but I have never even officially been introduced to this woman. Of course that didn’t stop her from telling me her entire life story, current situations and recent “sexcapades” with other men who aren’t her boyfriend. Oops. Yeah- I am feeling a little catty. That’s what you get for calling up a perfect stranger and throwing out your personal life like it was front page news and then turning around and screwing me over in the end. Literally.
So the story goes on that this person is ratting people out for the things that they have either said or photo’s and videos that they have posted to their Face Book. AT WORK! This of course sends up a red flag for me and it ought to for the rest of the people who either work in our field. In case you weren’t aware, people like me aren’t really allowed to have a personal life. We live under a micro-scope and are scrutinized right down to the way we mow our lawns and park our cars.
It got me thinking though. What the hell is going on here. Is this just another area of my life that I am not allowed to enjoy in fear that some person is going to go and tell the sheriff about the photo that my friend and I took standing over another friend who was sleeping on my couch. Is that photo going to be viewed as unbecoming? We weren’t drunk, we were at my house. We were just being silly.
Or is the photo of myself and other co-workers standing arm in arm after work, in uniform, going to somehow be deemed offensive and not allowed. Or the post that I made expressing sorrow over the loss of friends/family members, when is that going to send me to the local mental health care facility because maybe what I wrote was too honest or emotional.
Or a jab that I made to someone totally in fun, gets blown way out of proportion because it was taken the wrong way and instead of talking to that person and being like, “Hey, what’s up with that.” We go and CRY to someone about it and “whoa is me” all over the place.
I am not in middle school anymore. I left all that kid behavior behind a long time ago. I know that there are some people who just can’t let that stuff go and they never reach that level of maturity where playful banter and *gasp* gossip just can’t slip through one ear and out the other.
I would think that if someone didn’t like me then they would take me off of their “friends” list and go on with their lives instead of making a weeping and dramatic exit. I don’t really know anyone who has the time for this sort of thing or the energy for it. I sure as hell don’t. I’ve had my own fill of personal drama. I didn’t find it to be all that enjoyable. As a matter of fact, I avoid it altogether when possible. In my case though, it was a big deal. It was exhausting.
This is rarely why I am very specific as to the people I allow access to that area of my personal life. A blog is one thing, but my day to day and photo’s etc are another. I hate the fact that people need to be so careful about every single thing that they do or say in fear for repercussions elsewhere.
In the end, there was an unfriend, a block and I can’t even be friends with my actual friend “online” until he ditches her as a girlfriend. That is the sucky part. While I am totally mature in my own mind and can handle all of that like an adult, I don’t want her having access to my business through him either.
*shakes head*
This is the thing that is sucking the fun out of having online social networks. Maybe I just need to screen these people better. Or better yet, at the first sign of “psycho” I need to be rid of that person all together.
I have lack of writer ambition. This past week has been hectic. I returned to work after a brief time off. I accomplished nothing and I am experiencing yet another cold. I am starting to wonder if I have allergies.
Allergy meds make me loopy. They cause me to do and say funny things with little care or disregard for those around me. I instructed someone to do soemthing and they looked at me funny. Apparently, what I thought I had said was not anything close to what came out of my mouth.
I also can’t follow instructions. I would really like to do what you told me, but if I don’t write it down I will never remember what you said. Or the notes I took don’t make any sense in the next five minutes. Either I was blowing my nose while you were talking, I didn’t hear you or I was miles above my own body with my head attached to a string.
That’s kinda how I feel now.
It is my current thought that allergy meds actually work better than cold meds. I have no basis for this reasoning other than I seem to clear up faster with I use allerfy meds vs cold meds.
Anyway- While I have the best intentions of beginning a new routine of writing I have not been good at getting it accomplished. I even take notes through out the day to remind me of good topics that I might want to write about. Sadly for me, by the time I get home from work or get a chance to get online I am either too tired or don’t care anymore.
Usually, I am just too tired to type. This week, if I don’t have a kleenex shoved up my nose, I am not doing much of anything.
I have been thinking lately that I am pretty grateful for things like the internet. Most notably, My Space and Face Book. I created a My Space account after my 10 year high school reunion in 2005. That wasn’t until after the constant prodding of a few people that I had reconnected with. I was delighted to reconnect with even more people that I had met over the years. Not just from high school or growing up but also college and past places of employment.
I also had a couple people find me that I wished hadn’t. I just thought I would throw that in there. I confess to having a few people on my friends lists who started out as “mercy additions” who were eventually tossed back out to sea. That sounds mean but I seriously never got over that one time in homeroom when I watched you wipe boogers on the bottom of your desk. We had nothing in common then and the conversation is still awkward.
I’ve also had a couple of people that I added for the sole purpose of rubbing in their faces that my life turned well and in some cases better than theirs appeared to be. I let them sit on my friends list for a few weeks so I could read comment after comment about how they thought my house was beautiful, they love my dog and they think my son is soooooo adorable. Oh and I look fantastic. Like they were surprised. *eye roll* Goodbye wenches. Delete.
I confess hesitantly, that I enjoyed seeing a couple of people not being treated so well in the process of aging. As in, I think someone beat them senseless with a board. I don’t know if I ought to be sorry in that thought, but hey, they weren’t very nice to me when I was a kid. Even though you grow up and allegedly get better as people doesn’t change the fact that you threw gum in my hair during a Swing Choir performance in the 6th grade or that you commented how ugly I was or that my shoes came from the dollar store and that my parents were divorced. Heh, look who’s laughing now. Ha ha, you’re fat and wrinkly and your husband is an unemployed alcoholic.
I just reread that. I don’t think that’s funny. Really I don’t. That must really suck.
Anywho- Over the past few years I have been through some stuff and have gone through extended periods that I would consider to be the “dark era” of my life. Lonely. Sad. Lost. I think we all go through times when we think we are without a friend or at the very least, people who care about us. You pine for people that you have known but you’ve grown so far apart somehow that you don’t even know for sure where to look or if you even should bother.
Little did I know that there were people out there looking for me.
There is nothing in the world that can compare to the friendships that I gained with certain people over the years. These are the people that if you somehow lose contact with them, even for a short while, they almost seem to haunt you. You can see them in your mind and seem to call out to them in your mind. You will never know people like them ever again in your life. You don’t even know how you lost them, you just did.
Having these web programs uniting people is such a great thing. I held out on the idea of getting a Face Book account just because everyone else was doing it and I thought it was dumb. I didn’t even really understand exactly what it was or how it worked until I sat down and created my account. 300 and some friends later, I am as happy as can be. I actually know and have met at least 97% of the people who are “friended” on my Face Book. I’ve been delighted to reconnect with at least that many.
I am pretty sure that I will never tire from hearing another person tell me ” I am so glad that I found you, I have been looking for you for a long time,” I’ve reacted that way and received that reaction. I’ve been overjoyed at the re-connections that I have made.
If I have a cruddy day, I can update my status telling how my day was from hell. In no time I will have a few comments to cheer me up or at least agree that it sucked. It goes the other way too of course. It’s also wonderful to see the photographs and read the stories about everone’s lives.
A lot of us are miles apart, yet we are all still right here thanks to the magic of the internet. I’m grateful for it.
